Thursday, October 4, 2012

Blow from Reality

An occasion, that has impressed itself upon my memory, was surprisingly forgotten by you. Such a happy occasion, that can last as long as I live in my head, has so unexpectedly washed away by the tide of time from you.

How well I recollect the unbounded laughter that prevailed the air; how well I remember the awkwardness of bringing just a single dollar to gamble; how well your sweet smile stay in my, now forlorn, head; how well I remember the happiness we, or perhaps I (for I have really strong doubts on it now), have that day. Your astonishing answer is a blow from the reality, it is close to the final blow to destroy my fantastic philosophy entirely. However I strengthen the wall of it just to protect my little self, everything and everyone seems to be trying very hard to tear it down to pieces.

Where can I hide now?

 Perhaps it is because of the fact that, right after that, something extremely unpleasant happened, and you have no other choice than burying it together with the dreadful incident; or perhaps, I do not really want to think it that way, as it renders me the more alone, but for the sake of speaking the plain truth in here, there are too many such occasions in your life and this, is but a very insignificant one in your course of life.

How I savor every little happy moment in life, like a desperate beggar holding tightly to every penny he has in hands; how I try to remind all others of these memories in vain, like a man who is still living in his childhood fantasy; how painfully I receive their answer and in an agonizing way, wake myself up from my constant reverie, like a man who hopes that his dream is the only reality; and how hopelessly I appeal to everyone to keep reality from me, like a child who begs the tide to keep off his sandcastle. Now, I am dying in agony. How silly am I to have ever indulged in the dream? How foolish am I now to be afraid of the reality but can never fall asleep at night to return to my sanctuary?

You tell me how lost am I, and I smile at you but, forebear the pain inside.

To end this piece of unworthiness, I would like to mention the dream I had last Saturday. I dream of kissing you. The first time ever in my life I dream of something like that.

How I love the dream, how I love you.