An occasion, that has impressed itself upon my memory, was surprisingly forgotten by you. Such a happy occasion, that can last as long as I live in my head, has so unexpectedly washed away by the tide of time from you.
How well I recollect the unbounded laughter that prevailed the air; how well I remember the awkwardness of bringing just a single dollar to gamble; how well your sweet smile stay in my, now forlorn, head; how well I remember the happiness we, or perhaps I (for I have really strong doubts on it now), have that day.
Your astonishing answer is a blow from the reality, it is close to the final blow to destroy my fantastic philosophy entirely. However I strengthen the wall of it just to protect my little self, everything and everyone seems to be trying very hard to tear it down to pieces.
Where can I hide now?
Perhaps it is because of the fact that, right after that, something extremely unpleasant happened, and you have no other choice than burying it together with the dreadful incident; or perhaps, I do not really want to think it that way, as it renders me the more alone, but for the sake of speaking the plain truth in here, there are too many such occasions in your life and this, is but a very insignificant one in your course of life.
How I savor every little happy moment in life, like a desperate beggar holding tightly to every penny he has in hands; how I try to remind all others of these memories in vain, like a man who is still living in his childhood fantasy; how painfully I receive their answer and in an agonizing way, wake myself up from my constant reverie, like a man who hopes that his dream is the only reality; and how hopelessly I appeal to everyone to keep reality from me, like a child who begs the tide to keep off his sandcastle.
Now, I am dying in agony. How silly am I to have ever indulged in the dream? How foolish am I now to be afraid of the reality but can never fall asleep at night to return to my sanctuary?
You tell me how lost am I, and I smile at you but, forebear the pain inside.
To end this piece of unworthiness, I would like to mention the dream I had last Saturday. I dream of kissing you. The first time ever in my life I dream of something like that.
How I love the dream, how I love you.
Thursday, October 4, 2012
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
A Portrait of Yours
You smile most of the times in the photo;
so you realize that you are most beautiful when you smile.
Monday, April 25, 2011
Perhaps Farewell
The only victim with no realization of his own loneliness.
Looking for someone to match the conditions,
but to no avail.
The certainty is not admitted, no matter how definite it seems.
Questions are ignored,
words are dumped,
perhaps a single reason can be given,
however it might not be accepted.
Blinding the eyes can see more,
letting go can obtain more,
it is absurd in the way it opposes the will.
Isolation is undesirable,
yet may be the best solution.
One day, the return might be necessary,
and it will be a sphere without boundary,
the end point is the point of beginning.
Looking for someone to match the conditions,
but to no avail.
The certainty is not admitted, no matter how definite it seems.
Questions are ignored,
words are dumped,
perhaps a single reason can be given,
however it might not be accepted.
Blinding the eyes can see more,
letting go can obtain more,
it is absurd in the way it opposes the will.
Isolation is undesirable,
yet may be the best solution.
One day, the return might be necessary,
and it will be a sphere without boundary,
the end point is the point of beginning.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
The New Dawn
Warmth of the enclosed area never leaves,
even when the water surrounds the outside walls and flows down the glasses.
The limited space with overly small dimensions ceases the walking.
With the items scattering around all over, the mattress seems better.
Dirt on the floor, dust on the things,
the clean air is forgotten and the light never shines the chamber.
The distance to the stop is made up of countless steps,
and the unbalanced path forms unknown barriers to the newcomers.
The waiting is blank, the rushing is necessary.
The grey ground smells different, the white buildings look new.
Finding a place to rest posts a challenge and food can never be satisfied.
Money flows away in an unreasonable fashion,
the way of living ends with one word- endurance.
Change to something never happens,
isolation remains, in the chamber of ambitions, in the world of reality.
even when the water surrounds the outside walls and flows down the glasses.
The limited space with overly small dimensions ceases the walking.
With the items scattering around all over, the mattress seems better.
Dirt on the floor, dust on the things,
the clean air is forgotten and the light never shines the chamber.
The distance to the stop is made up of countless steps,
and the unbalanced path forms unknown barriers to the newcomers.
The waiting is blank, the rushing is necessary.
The grey ground smells different, the white buildings look new.
Finding a place to rest posts a challenge and food can never be satisfied.
Money flows away in an unreasonable fashion,
the way of living ends with one word- endurance.
Change to something never happens,
isolation remains, in the chamber of ambitions, in the world of reality.
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Day's Return
Lordrean should have died like his two followers. Unfortunately, the rumor was true, he was protected by a legend.
15 years ago, I was sent away from this town without my conscious knowing. Most things happened in 15 years ago had been washed away by the tide of time. But at least, I still remembered to come back.
Inside the dark room, only one round table was placed at the centre of the chamber, the game was ready to begin. When the blindfolds were uncovered, I could sensed the trepidation through the eyes of Lordrean's followers. Lordrean was as calm as I was, somehow, I could sense that my plan lay within his prediction. My right hand trembled for a moment, shorter than a quarter of second, so it was impossible for any human eyes to detect it.
'If only you can win one single round out of three, then you will be set free,' I said, and meanwhile, handed each of them two cards.
They were using the outdated 'Black-Jack System'. Unfortunately, it was not possible for them to win over with that in the face of the 'Black-Rose System'. Both are systems of formulae to win over most card games. However, the 'Black-Rose System' was more flawless, as it was the modification of the 'Black-Jack System'.
'Sorry pal, you are out.' I said right after Lordrean and his men lost the three games. I pointed two guns at Lordrean's followers forehead, without allowing another second to pass, BANG!
'What are you coming for?' Lordrean asked.
'For revenge.' I said.
'Who are you?' Lordrean asked.
I took off the glove of my right hand, to unveil the secret which had been hidden for 15 years. When Lordrean saw my artificial right hand, he was stunned.
15 years ago, Max and I created the 'Black-Jack System'. We used this system of formulae to win over a large amount of money at Royal Casino and realize our dream of being free from working. Unfortunately, Lordrean and his men knew it, so he came after us. I was tortured by them badly. Three fingers of my right hand were cut and the back of my hand was poured with acids until I lost my consciousness. When I became conscious again, I was in a strange town. I found a small piece of paper in my pocket. Those words on the paper told me that, Max was dead. I was so depressed, as I couldn't even attend his funeral. So I planned to take revenge. I spent 15 years to create the 'Black-Rose System'. I made myself an artificial right hand, taking revenge had become the aim of my life, so I trained to play with guns.
Now, I looked at Lordrean and smiled. I pointed the gun at his head and...
BANG!
No, I didn't squeeze the trigger. When I looked back, I could only hear the sound of bullets. The trigger was being pressed so fast until I could hardly take a moment to figure out the shooter's position. At last, Lordrean had escaped in the rain of bullets.
15 years ago, I was sent away from this town without my conscious knowing. Most things happened in 15 years ago had been washed away by the tide of time. But at least, I still remembered to come back.
Inside the dark room, only one round table was placed at the centre of the chamber, the game was ready to begin. When the blindfolds were uncovered, I could sensed the trepidation through the eyes of Lordrean's followers. Lordrean was as calm as I was, somehow, I could sense that my plan lay within his prediction. My right hand trembled for a moment, shorter than a quarter of second, so it was impossible for any human eyes to detect it.
'If only you can win one single round out of three, then you will be set free,' I said, and meanwhile, handed each of them two cards.
They were using the outdated 'Black-Jack System'. Unfortunately, it was not possible for them to win over with that in the face of the 'Black-Rose System'. Both are systems of formulae to win over most card games. However, the 'Black-Rose System' was more flawless, as it was the modification of the 'Black-Jack System'.
'Sorry pal, you are out.' I said right after Lordrean and his men lost the three games. I pointed two guns at Lordrean's followers forehead, without allowing another second to pass, BANG!
'What are you coming for?' Lordrean asked.
'For revenge.' I said.
'Who are you?' Lordrean asked.
I took off the glove of my right hand, to unveil the secret which had been hidden for 15 years. When Lordrean saw my artificial right hand, he was stunned.
15 years ago, Max and I created the 'Black-Jack System'. We used this system of formulae to win over a large amount of money at Royal Casino and realize our dream of being free from working. Unfortunately, Lordrean and his men knew it, so he came after us. I was tortured by them badly. Three fingers of my right hand were cut and the back of my hand was poured with acids until I lost my consciousness. When I became conscious again, I was in a strange town. I found a small piece of paper in my pocket. Those words on the paper told me that, Max was dead. I was so depressed, as I couldn't even attend his funeral. So I planned to take revenge. I spent 15 years to create the 'Black-Rose System'. I made myself an artificial right hand, taking revenge had become the aim of my life, so I trained to play with guns.
Now, I looked at Lordrean and smiled. I pointed the gun at his head and...
BANG!
No, I didn't squeeze the trigger. When I looked back, I could only hear the sound of bullets. The trigger was being pressed so fast until I could hardly take a moment to figure out the shooter's position. At last, Lordrean had escaped in the rain of bullets.
Friday, October 8, 2010
Night and Day
It was a perfect day until I received a call from a man with a hoarse voice. We had a short conversation, yet, it brought a large impact to me. I let go of her beautiful hand and rushed to Royal Casino instantly.
I drove my car so fast, my nerves were stunned by the words of the man. The adrenaline released into my bloodstream made my heart pump even faster, I was in fear. The fear expanded so fast until I couldn't even take a moment to give myself an injection-alprazolam. My hands were full of sweat as they held the steering firmly.My mind kept wandering to find the answer, I really did not know what to do, how could Texo be caught cheating during gambling...
When I rushed into the casino, a man dressed in black led to me to a cellar at the lower ground. I was so afraid as I couldn't imagine how terribly Texo had been tortured. When the door was slammed open, I saw Texo with three of his fingers cut off. I covered my mouth spontaneously as I saw the blood flowing out of his hands.
'Tex, what happened? What had they done?' I asked with full anxiety.
'Run...' Texo said lifelessly, his mouth couldn't even move as he spoke.
Meanwhile, three huge men walked into the cellar from the dark. I thought that they came for money, but no, they were not. They came for something else, something far more precious, a thing in which Texo and I had put our life once. It cannot be kept physically, and the effort of one man is insufficient to carry it completely. It is nothing more, but a, mathematics formula. It was created based on the knowledge of probability, a way to predict the outcome. Casino will never fall because too many calculations had been made before it is built. The probability of winning in casino isn't 50/50, because there are far more possible outcomes then win and lose, so the appropriate answer should be zero. However, nothing in the world could be perfect, so Texo and I had found the flaw of this calculation. We created number of formulae and combined all of them together in a systematic way, so they became a system. Just by knowing the name of this system, the three man's intention is clear. Texo and I named it as 'Black Jack System'. Black Jack, an ace and a king, dominates all other cards in a deck. There are too many complexities within this system, therefore it was impossible for one man to have it all in the head. And this is why, Texo wasn't killed by them, so far. Although this formula is so useful and once did realise our dream, I was willing to give it up for Texo. He is my only friend. The moment I told the three men another half of the formula, Texo stopped me immediately. He did something terribly wrong. As a consequence, one of the three men pour a bottle of sulphuric acid on the back of Texo's hands. 'Pss!', as the acid reacted with the skin of his hand, his skin dissolved quickly until the blood flowed out of his hand directly. The mixture of the blood and the acid turned the floor red and kept flowing until it reached and burned the bottom part of my shoe.I did not allow another thought to flow into my mind, I told the three men every detail of the formula. After that, the man pour some alkali upon Texo's hands to neutralize the acid. I quickly rushed towards Texo to help him. I held him by his arm and walked out with him slowly.
As we walked pass the door, I felt the barrel of a gun being pressed against the back of my head. As I turned back, I saw the man shaking his head.
'Only one of you can get out of here,' the man said.
I looked at Texo who had fainted because of the pain inflicted on him. I took a little moment to rest my mind. Now, I realized that my alprazolam was in my pocket. I took it out and injected it into my body. After that, I took in a deep breath, as if trying to inhale all the peace around and then breathe out slowly, as if allowing the fear and anxiety to leave.
'I know you are still conscious, you just can't open your eyes. When you wake up, please help me tell her that I didn't love her before,' I whispered to Texo by his ear.
'Can I have a choice of the way I die?' I turned to the three men and asked. They nodded, and I was so glad.
I remembered that one day, when I was 15 years old, she told me that our brain can actually function incredibly fast. Our memory can actually last forever. You don't remember it doesn't mean that it is gone, you just can't find it. Study has been made, it proved that memory can be stored at everywhere within our body. No matter how greatly the electric shock is applied to the brain, the memory stored is never possible to be eliminated entirely from our body.
'So... How to activate all these memories?' I asked.
'When you realise, you are dying,' she said.
So I took the last bird-eye-view over the town I lived, I enjoyed the air around me, the oxygen was rich. When the moment came, I dropped my cigarette and jumped down from the highest building in my town. Within a second, everything happened in my life flashed in my mind.I saw my father torturing me when I was young, he burned me with his cigarette when I was sleeping. He beat me up every time he got upset. Mum was gone, that night, at which she decided to leave, she hugged me tightly, until I fell asleep. The morning of the next day, I was all alone in the parlour. After that, I saw a coward hiding himself in the dark, didn't dare to walk through the crowd or talk to people. His past was casted with darkness by his father, therefore he began to take alprazolam to subside his fear. Later, I saw the first time I met Texo in Oxford University. And then, I saw myself holding a certificate and many people taking photos of me. At last, I saw myself lying on the field of purple roses, holding her warm hand, and looking at the sky.
After that, I felt no more.
I drove my car so fast, my nerves were stunned by the words of the man. The adrenaline released into my bloodstream made my heart pump even faster, I was in fear. The fear expanded so fast until I couldn't even take a moment to give myself an injection-alprazolam. My hands were full of sweat as they held the steering firmly.My mind kept wandering to find the answer, I really did not know what to do, how could Texo be caught cheating during gambling...
When I rushed into the casino, a man dressed in black led to me to a cellar at the lower ground. I was so afraid as I couldn't imagine how terribly Texo had been tortured. When the door was slammed open, I saw Texo with three of his fingers cut off. I covered my mouth spontaneously as I saw the blood flowing out of his hands.
'Tex, what happened? What had they done?' I asked with full anxiety.
'Run...' Texo said lifelessly, his mouth couldn't even move as he spoke.
Meanwhile, three huge men walked into the cellar from the dark. I thought that they came for money, but no, they were not. They came for something else, something far more precious, a thing in which Texo and I had put our life once. It cannot be kept physically, and the effort of one man is insufficient to carry it completely. It is nothing more, but a, mathematics formula. It was created based on the knowledge of probability, a way to predict the outcome. Casino will never fall because too many calculations had been made before it is built. The probability of winning in casino isn't 50/50, because there are far more possible outcomes then win and lose, so the appropriate answer should be zero. However, nothing in the world could be perfect, so Texo and I had found the flaw of this calculation. We created number of formulae and combined all of them together in a systematic way, so they became a system. Just by knowing the name of this system, the three man's intention is clear. Texo and I named it as 'Black Jack System'. Black Jack, an ace and a king, dominates all other cards in a deck. There are too many complexities within this system, therefore it was impossible for one man to have it all in the head. And this is why, Texo wasn't killed by them, so far. Although this formula is so useful and once did realise our dream, I was willing to give it up for Texo. He is my only friend. The moment I told the three men another half of the formula, Texo stopped me immediately. He did something terribly wrong. As a consequence, one of the three men pour a bottle of sulphuric acid on the back of Texo's hands. 'Pss!', as the acid reacted with the skin of his hand, his skin dissolved quickly until the blood flowed out of his hand directly. The mixture of the blood and the acid turned the floor red and kept flowing until it reached and burned the bottom part of my shoe.I did not allow another thought to flow into my mind, I told the three men every detail of the formula. After that, the man pour some alkali upon Texo's hands to neutralize the acid. I quickly rushed towards Texo to help him. I held him by his arm and walked out with him slowly.
As we walked pass the door, I felt the barrel of a gun being pressed against the back of my head. As I turned back, I saw the man shaking his head.
'Only one of you can get out of here,' the man said.
I looked at Texo who had fainted because of the pain inflicted on him. I took a little moment to rest my mind. Now, I realized that my alprazolam was in my pocket. I took it out and injected it into my body. After that, I took in a deep breath, as if trying to inhale all the peace around and then breathe out slowly, as if allowing the fear and anxiety to leave.
'I know you are still conscious, you just can't open your eyes. When you wake up, please help me tell her that I didn't love her before,' I whispered to Texo by his ear.
'Can I have a choice of the way I die?' I turned to the three men and asked. They nodded, and I was so glad.
I remembered that one day, when I was 15 years old, she told me that our brain can actually function incredibly fast. Our memory can actually last forever. You don't remember it doesn't mean that it is gone, you just can't find it. Study has been made, it proved that memory can be stored at everywhere within our body. No matter how greatly the electric shock is applied to the brain, the memory stored is never possible to be eliminated entirely from our body.
'So... How to activate all these memories?' I asked.
'When you realise, you are dying,' she said.
So I took the last bird-eye-view over the town I lived, I enjoyed the air around me, the oxygen was rich. When the moment came, I dropped my cigarette and jumped down from the highest building in my town. Within a second, everything happened in my life flashed in my mind.I saw my father torturing me when I was young, he burned me with his cigarette when I was sleeping. He beat me up every time he got upset. Mum was gone, that night, at which she decided to leave, she hugged me tightly, until I fell asleep. The morning of the next day, I was all alone in the parlour. After that, I saw a coward hiding himself in the dark, didn't dare to walk through the crowd or talk to people. His past was casted with darkness by his father, therefore he began to take alprazolam to subside his fear. Later, I saw the first time I met Texo in Oxford University. And then, I saw myself holding a certificate and many people taking photos of me. At last, I saw myself lying on the field of purple roses, holding her warm hand, and looking at the sky.
After that, I felt no more.
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